Colonel Dan Wins In A Landslide

by Colonel Dan


The Cowboy Chronicle

November 2004



“Fox News Alert: Dateline 21 January 2005; Brit Hume reporting.  As we’ve been covering this remarkable event since election day; Colonel Dan, an obscure southern write in, who didn’t campaign and wanted no part of the political world, won the 2004 presidential election in a landslide.  He took the oath of office just a few minutes ago and will now give his inaugural address.  Let’s listen now to Colonel Dan, the 44th President of the United States.”


“My fellow Americans, I just took a solemn oath to uphold and defend the Constitution of the United States—not the platform of any political party and most assuredly, not the United Nations charter.  Every American should know that while I have no idea why you elected me or how this all came about, I take this oath and my duties seriously—probably more seriously than most professional politicians.  I never wanted political office but since this bale of hay fell on me, I intend to honor that oath.  If that scares the wits out of some in Washington, so be it—life’s rough!


Over the years, politicians have incrementally ignored the Constitution and put us in a convoluted mess.  Consequently, government has grown out of control and America is no longer the nation it was originally intended to be.  It’s now time to reestablish the founder’s ideals and return America to what I call the colonial traditionalism of our forefathers.


The 10th Amendment remains part of the Constitution so I am returning the function of federal government to its original, limited role, as outlined in the Constitution and restore power to the states.  I’ll review all federal functions and laws and if they cannot be traced clearly and directly to specific powers authorized in the Constitution, I’ll kill them—big government lovers will have to live with it.


The 2nd Amendment is also very much alive and guns have always been an integral part of establishing and sustaining America.  I firmly believe that our freedom depends on each citizen having a resolute spirit connected to a well-trained trigger finger.  Anything that violates the simple concept of  “…shall not be infringed” is not open for discussion.  I intend to challenge the constitutionality of every gun law and follow our founder’s simple concept rather than the government’s convoluted ideas.  Only governments that don’t trust their citizens want to control firearms and any government that doesn’t trust its citizens, is itself undeserving of trust.  I believe in personal responsibility, not government control.  You can have all the freedom you can responsibly handle—carry firearms open or concealed, no restrictions or permits required but, if you commit a crime or hurt anyone through negligence or intent, you will pay. Freedom comes at a price and that’s the cost of the ticket my friends.


The 16th Amendment, which established the income tax, is abhorrent and must be repealed.  With the coming reduction in government, we won’t need income tax money anyway.  The government will learn to live within its’ budget as responsible Americans must do.  Additionally, all government rules dictating what you can and can’t do with your money to include IRAs, retirement funds and estates are dictatorial and must also be repealed.  What you do with your assets is none of Washington’s business—it’s your wealth, go forth and do good things with it.


Programs based on politically correct pandering are nothing more than thinly veiled vehicles of discrimination and serve only to lower standards for all Americans. I will repeal them.  America is based on a guarantee of equal opportunity, not equal outcome.  Strive to compete, not complain. I will work to provide that environment for equal opportunity but you must provide the sweat required to achieve and the determination required to succeed.


Immigration will be suspended for 10 years and after that, strictly controlled and severely limited.  If you want to live in this country, we invite you to apply legally and adoption of our culture is part of the deal you must accept.  When and if you earn citizenship, you will be an American—no hyphenated designation will be recognized.  Take pride in things American, for you are now an American.  Illegal aliens will get no quarter or benefits whatsoever.  What they will get is deported and the bill for our trouble sent to their country of origin.  The operative word here is “illegal” and all countries with citizens fitting this category are hereby put on notice—you will take action to curtail this invasion or America will hold you directly responsible. Make no mistake, I do view this as an invasion of the United States and I intend to stop it and unhesitatingly use our military forces as required to “protect and defend” as my oath requires.


Concerning my foreign policy, we didn’t succeed in making people love us under a policy of “globalism” so today I am declaring that approach dead.  I am returning this country to George Washington’s view of avoiding entangling foreign alliances.  Our troops are coming home and will secure our own country for a change. 


The money currently budgeted for foreign aid will be immediately suspended and re-evaluated with priority going to fund our own interests first.  America’s doors of trade will be open to all but we will not politically entangle ourselves with any. 


Additionally, I no longer recognize the United Nations as anything other than a deliberative body designed to facilitate humanitarian assistance and international trade—a body that has absolutely no authority over the sovereignty of America.  I am President of the United States, not some global village and I will never deviate from the philosophy of “America First”.


Our military was intended to protect the United States and fight our wars not play world cop.  I will fund our forces to train and fight efficiently and give our military leaders the latitude they need to win.  Additionally, if our forces are committed, it will be under a declaration of war or we won’t go and once the decision is made to fight, it will be our military leadership that will command, control and direct the force, not politicians and certainly not the United Nations.  Our approach will be to employ overwhelming force to get the job done quickly and get out.  Finally, regarding our military personnel, we ask a lot from them and the fact that some of our junior members must use food stamps to feed their families is criminal.  Since we are reducing government, there will be increased funds available for our most valued weapon—the GI.  If that horrid situation with our junior enlisted isn’t corrected in 30 days, people will be fired until I find someone who can fix it or I’ll do it myself.


Each state should send their Senators and Representatives to Washington for a limited time only to discuss the nation’s business and then return home to real jobs.  Political office was not intended to be a full time profession for any member of Congress.  Additionally, for the very limited time they are in Washington, they should fall under the same salary and benefits plan as they determine good enough for any other government employee.  The money saved there alone will go far in freeing our GIs from food stamps.


The job of education will be removed from Washington and returned to the states.  I do however encourage schools to teach history, not revisionism and teach the Constitution, not perversion.  They should focus on the traditional 3 R’s of Reading, ‘Riting and ‘Rithmatic not the modern 3 S’s of Sex, Socialism and Self-esteem.  Real self-esteem will be gained through the satisfaction that comes from proper learning.


Finally, since I am clearly not a big government socialist, I know the media will hate me no matter what so I’m not even going to try and pander to them for favorable press.  Report as they will, I intend to follow my convictions, not chase headlines.  I frankly don’t care what they say, write or think about me.


You now know where I stand.  Today, I am asking every American to help me in rekindling the traditional spirit of personal independence and kill the modern expectation of federal dependency.  It’s time America’s children of liberty put this country back on track—and we’re starting today!”


“Dan….Dan…wake up! You’ve been thrashing around all night—mumbling something about a ton of hay falling on you from the Capital dome.  What in the world is the matter?”


“Oh, Mary.  Wow.  What a terrible night.  Boy am I glad you woke me.  You’ll never believe the nightmare I had.  I was sitting in the Hitching Post saloon watching the election returns and doing a little research when I hear Brit Hume announce the winner…it was me!  Well let me tell you what happened then…..”


Whew. Just a bad dream from my saddle…







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