A well deserved break from the inconsequential world
of politics is always warranted during the Christmas holidays— especially
after we’ve been forced to suffer through the media-generated period of never
ending post election analysis.
“Inconsequential”
I say because what I’m about to address totally eclipses the importance of
politics in every cowboy shooter’s life.
This research is particularly useful to our ever increasing number of new
SASS members and therefore deserves to be revisited now and again.
For
those new to SASS, what follows is an important executive summary of a study
generated after years of diligent, if not life-threatening, experimentation and
analysis of the phenomenon known as gun
buying action vs. spousal reaction—not always of the equal and opposite
kind we learned about in physics class.
Those
fresh to CAS will need this information as they travel the Cowboy Shooting
Trail, accumulating guns at tumultuous pace—just ask anyone who’s been at
this great sport for more than a day!
What is
the reaction of your spouse, hereinafter referred to as the party of the second
part, when you, hereinafter referred to as the party of the first part, walk in
the door with that impossible to hide gun box—that long slim box of the rifle
class or the squatty box of the revolver class that you just can’t pass off as
a pair of new shoes. Over the years
the party of the second part has seen untold numbers of examples and can now
spot that all too familiar container even as the party of the first part pulls
into the driveway—they’ve developed a 6th and 7th
sense about all this dontcha know.
In the
early days of our marriage, the purchase of guns was a significant event.
There was no question about it Miss Mary knew when I came home with one.
And since I didn’t have all that many (yet) she could tell that gun I
was handling was new and not Army issue even if she didn’t see me walking in
the house with it. The reaction
always followed in that quiet way, “Is that you new gun?”
Miss Mary is like that—her reaction is one of the proper Army wife;
subtle yet albeit strongly directed by an unmistakable attempt at guilt
elicitation in the colonel.
I had to
endure this over the years until it seemed to reach a point of noticeable
diminishment. I wondered about this
and commenced the study in question.
My
research led me to discover the Law of
Critical Gun Mass.
The law
is of a simple nature but very important to the conduct of life.
I discovered that there comes a point when the party of the first part
has so many guns that the party of the second part can no longer distinguish old
from new and the party of the second part becomes totally oblivious to the party
of the first part’s new toy!!!!
Eureka!!
I had discovered the Law of Critical Gun Mass (CGM) for all those of us infected
with terminal Gun Disease.
In Miss
Mary’s case the all-important point of CGM was reached at about gun number 24.
I am now way beyond that point and my life is so much simpler these
days. I have so many guns that she
can’t tell if the one I am fondling is something old, something new, something
borrowed or something re-blued! Slick
eh?
Life is
now great but I can’t tell you if CGM is different for Army wives as it is for
ladies from other walks of life—a point for further study and analysis.
The Law
of CGM differs in each household depending on the number of guns present when
the joining of the party of the first part with the party of the second part
took place. Further reaction is
then determined by the party of the second parts powers of observation and the
level of natural anxiety over guns and/or money and the level of gun disease
present at birth in the party of the second part.
If the
party of the second part is also infected with gun disease or at least has a
high tolerance for it, there is a direct and positive correlation in the
reaction level unless the factor of jealously is calculated.
If the
party of the second part wants just as many guns as the party of the first part
then anytime the party of the first part acquires a new toy, the party of the
second part reacts vehemently in the fear of being left behind regarding total
toy count and the natural instinct to catch up takes over, fueled by the libido
of the party of the second part.
I’m
now going to ask the honorable Professor Cubby Bear and his not-so-secret
Laboratory staff to see if we can’t come up with a formula that SBSS HQ could
publish to help others determine the level of CGM for their party of the second
part. I’ll then ask the Regimental Litigation Trickster, the estimable Johnny
the Kid, to draw up a contract useful for establishing binding consensual gun
acquisition procedures between the two parties in question if required by either
party being retroactively effective to their officially registered joining date.
Although
reporting on CGM may be unrelated to our study of Stealth Bullets and political
philosophy, let it be known the SBSS is eternally dedicated to serving those
honorable humans known as cowboy shooters in any way we can.
Just
another helpful service from SBSS HQ…Merry Christmas my friends!
Contact
Colonel Dan: coloneldan@bellsouth.net