The Phenomenon Of Critical Gun Mass Revisited

by Colonel Dan


The Cowboy Chronicle

December  2006


A well deserved break from the inconsequential world of politics is always warranted during the Christmas holidays— especially after we’ve been forced to suffer through the media-generated period of never ending post election analysis. 

“Inconsequential” I say because what I’m about to address totally eclipses the importance of politics in every cowboy shooter’s life.  This research is particularly useful to our ever increasing number of new SASS members and therefore deserves to be revisited now and again. 

For those new to SASS, what follows is an important executive summary of a study generated after years of diligent, if not life-threatening, experimentation and analysis of the phenomenon known as gun buying action vs. spousal reaction—not always of the equal and opposite kind we learned about in physics class. 

Those fresh to CAS will need this information as they travel the Cowboy Shooting Trail, accumulating guns at tumultuous pace—just ask anyone who’s been at this great sport for more than a day! 

What is the reaction of your spouse, hereinafter referred to as the party of the second part, when you, hereinafter referred to as the party of the first part, walk in the door with that impossible to hide gun box—that long slim box of the rifle class or the squatty box of the revolver class that you just can’t pass off as a pair of new shoes.  Over the years the party of the second part has seen untold numbers of examples and can now spot that all too familiar container even as the party of the first part pulls into the driveway—they’ve developed a 6th and 7th sense about all this dontcha know.

In the early days of our marriage, the purchase of guns was a significant event.  There was no question about it Miss Mary knew when I came home with one.  And since I didn’t have all that many (yet) she could tell that gun I was handling was new and not Army issue even if she didn’t see me walking in the house with it.  The reaction always followed in that quiet way, “Is that you new gun?”  Miss Mary is like that—her reaction is one of the proper Army wife; subtle yet albeit strongly directed by an unmistakable attempt at guilt elicitation in the colonel.

I had to endure this over the years until it seemed to reach a point of noticeable diminishment.  I wondered about this and commenced the study in question.

My research led me to discover the Law of Critical Gun Mass. 

The law is of a simple nature but very important to the conduct of life.  I discovered that there comes a point when the party of the first part has so many guns that the party of the second part can no longer distinguish old from new and the party of the second part becomes totally oblivious to the party of the first part’s new toy!!!! 

Eureka!! I had discovered the Law of Critical Gun Mass (CGM) for all those of us infected with terminal Gun Disease. 

In Miss Mary’s case the all-important point of CGM was reached at about gun number 24.  I am now way beyond that point and my life is so much simpler these days.  I have so many guns that she can’t tell if the one I am fondling is something old, something new, something borrowed or something re-blued!  Slick eh?

Life is now great but I can’t tell you if CGM is different for Army wives as it is for ladies from other walks of life—a point for further study and analysis.

The Law of CGM differs in each household depending on the number of guns present when the joining of the party of the first part with the party of the second part took place.  Further reaction is then determined by the party of the second parts powers of observation and the level of natural anxiety over guns and/or money and the level of gun disease present at birth in the party of the second part. 

If the party of the second part is also infected with gun disease or at least has a high tolerance for it, there is a direct and positive correlation in the reaction level unless the factor of jealously is calculated. 

If the party of the second part wants just as many guns as the party of the first part then anytime the party of the first part acquires a new toy, the party of the second part reacts vehemently in the fear of being left behind regarding total toy count and the natural instinct to catch up takes over, fueled by the libido of the party of the second part.

I’m now going to ask the honorable Professor Cubby Bear and his not-so-secret Laboratory staff to see if we can’t come up with a formula that SBSS HQ could publish to help others determine the level of CGM for their party of the second part. I’ll then ask the Regimental Litigation Trickster, the estimable Johnny the Kid, to draw up a contract useful for establishing binding consensual gun acquisition procedures between the two parties in question if required by either party being retroactively effective to their officially registered joining date. 

Although reporting on CGM may be unrelated to our study of Stealth Bullets and political philosophy, let it be known the SBSS is eternally dedicated to serving those honorable humans known as cowboy shooters in any way we can.

Just another helpful service from SBSS HQ…Merry Christmas my friends!

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